You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
