its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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