the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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