so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
No subtext here. People are naked.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Randomize
