Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
