I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
