I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
