make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
