dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
