drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
