He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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