Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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