i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
