I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
