i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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