is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
