3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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