You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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