His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
