Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
