you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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