Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
