have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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