if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I need a beard to bite.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
