He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
