you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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