can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
he shaved USA in his pubs
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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