Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
