I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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