So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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