You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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