don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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