Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
