The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Still dying that you shit outside
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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