I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize