that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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