Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
