So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
