I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
