hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
