now i know why i became what i already was.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
