I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
