the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
