First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
babies were throwing up all over the place
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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