I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize