why didn't you poke me back
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
