i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
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She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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