Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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