just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
