She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize