Someone shit on the floor
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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