I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
