my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
