I faked an abortion last night.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Small penises have feelings too.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
