Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
