he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
