This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
