I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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