According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
