I'm really into asian looking animals
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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