I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize