Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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